As project managers, we live in a world of deadlines, deliverables, and stakeholder expectations—but under all of that structure is something more fragile and more powerful: our relationships with people.

Feedback sits right at that intersection. It’s where “getting results” meets “valuing people,” and it’s where many teams either build trust or quietly lose it.

Feedback Is Normal—and It’s an Act of Love

For a lot of people, hearing “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” feels like a warning siren. 

We assume something is wrong. We brace for impact. We think, “I’m in trouble,” or “What do you want?”

We need to change that.

Feedback is normal and it’s part of healthy relationships. On strong teams, it isn’t a rare event, a punishment, or a correction. It’s a radical act of love and investment.

It’s how we help each other grow. It’s how we keep the train on the track.

Think of your team as a train moving along a track.

When someone isn’t performing effectively, it’s like a section of the track has flopped up.

Our job isn’t to shame the train or blame the track; it’s to gently put that track back where it belongs so everyone can keep moving.

When we redefine feedback from “negative conversation” to “information for growth,” we make it easier to navigate hard conversations and easier for people to hear what we have to say.

The Emotional Bank Account: How Trust Speeds Up Projects

Stephen M.R. Covey talks about emotional bank accounts, and it’s a powerful metaphor for project managers.

Every person is a bank. You are the International Bank of You. Everyone you’ve ever interacted with has an account at your bank, and you have an account at theirs.

The rules at your bank might be different from mine—different interest rates, different requirements to open an account, different ways to earn deposits—but we’re all dealing with balances.

Every interaction is a deposit or a withdrawal.

• When you follow through on commitments, communicate clearly, and show care, you make deposits.
• When you miss deadlines, deliver sloppy feedback, or embarrass someone publicly, you make withdrawals.

As PMs, our speed is tied to those balances. In high‑trust environments, we move faster. We don’t have to do extra work to mediate mistrust, second‑guess intentions, or repair damage from careless conversations.

In low‑trust environments, everything takes longer because people are carrying the weight of past withdrawals.

Feedback is one of the biggest ways we add to or subtract from those emotional bank accounts. That’s why how we give feedback matters just as much as what we say.

A Story: When Feedback Became a Public Withdrawal

Here’s a real story from an early project management role that illustrates how feedback can damage trust when it’s mishandled.

In my first PM role, I moved from being a campus director into a central office PM position with a multimillion‑dollar organization. We were touring, working in stadiums, doing big things.

A partner department asked our creative team to deliver video assets for a tour—think jumbotron content and related visuals—on a fast turnaround, about two days.

Being young, bright, and confident, I jumped in. I set up tasks in Asana, told people what to do, coordinated the work, and delivered the assets.

What I didn’t do was check in with my department director on what he wanted to go on those assets. I assumed I could make that call myself.

The assets reached the executive board, and my director was not pleased.

We worked in an open concept office—a huge co‑working space where everyone could hear everything.

He ran into our department and loudly demanded, “Who approved the assets that were delivered?” He was “going off at the mouth,” as we say.

Sitting at my little desk, I said, “Yeah, that was me, as you know.”

The feedback I received in that moment wasn’t just about the assets. It was about our relationship.

It was public. It was loud. It felt chaotic and unsafe. And it negatively impacted how we worked together going forward.

The lesson: it wasn’t only what he said; it was how, where, and in front of whom he said it. Delivery matters.

Affirming Feedback: Bigger Than “Good Job”

We’re familiar with constructive feedback, but we often overlook the power and complexity of affirming feedback.

Affirming feedback recognizes and reinforces what’s working. It tells people what they should keep doing. But it’s much bigger than “You’re doing a good job.” In fact, “good job” can be a missed opportunity.

Consider the difference between:

• “You’re doing well.”
• “You consistently document risks in Asana and flag blockers early. That helps the team stay ahead of issues and keeps our stakeholders confident.”

The first is vague. The second is an investment.

Deposits and Withdrawals in Affirming Feedback

Affirming feedback can be a deposit:

• When it’s specific about behaviors and outcomes.
• When it highlights what should be repeated.
• When it’s authentic and aligned with reality.

But it can also be a withdrawal:

• When it’s vague or generic (“You’re great!” with no detail).
• When it feels inauthentic (“You’re doing such a good job” from someone who clearly doesn’t rock with you like that).
• When it’s used to avoid hard conversations (“Let’s only talk about the good stuff” while serious issues go unaddressed).
• When it becomes a criticism sandwich (“You’re wonderful… but you actually really suck at this… but you’re still a good human”).

We’ve all heard that sandwich: “You’re doing such a great job. You actually really suck at this, but you’re such a good human.” That kind of feedback confuses people and undermines trust. It’s better to stop doing that altogether.

As PMs, affirming feedback is one of our best tools for making deposits—but only if we use it honestly and specifically.

Constructive Feedback: Information, Not Punishment

Constructive feedback identifies behaviors that need to change or improve. We’re very familiar with this one, often from the receiving end.

The key shift is to see constructive feedback not as punishment or correction, but as an investment. When we say, “Feedback is information for growth,” we remind ourselves and our teams that we’re talking about behavior, not identity.

 

Strong constructive feedback:

• Focuses on specific behaviors and actions.
• Frames those behaviors in terms of impact on the project or team.
• Offers clear, actionable steps for adjustment.

Weak constructive feedback:

• Attacks the person instead of the behavior (“You don’t care about your job”).
• Makes assumptions about motives instead of asking questions (“You always choose the hardest way” without exploring what’s actually going on).
• Comes as a long, rambling monologue that tries to soften everything but ends up confusing or overwhelming.

Remember: our job is to give information that helps someone get the train back on the track. Not to drive the train off a cliff.

Direct ≠ Destructive: Truth, Tone, and Timing

When we talk about the “art” of feedback, we’re talking about three things:

• Truth (what needs to be said)
• Timing (when it is said)
• Tone (how it is said)

Truth: Stick to What You Can See

Truth in feedback means focusing on observable behaviors and actions, not assumptions.

Instead of >>  “You don’t care about this project.” 

Try >> “We’ve missed the last three deadlines, and there hasn’t been proactive communication about the risks. That’s impacting the team’s ability to plan and deliver.”

We can acknowledge emotions, but we separate facts from feelings. A helpful way to think about it is that your feelings are like toddlers.

They’re important, and you need to take care of them, but you would never let a toddler drive your car. You strap them carefully into the back seat; they don’t get to control the steering wheel.

Our emotions matter, but they shouldn’t drive the conversation.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is “just say the thing.” Overthinking builds pressure and can lead to an explosive delivery later. If you can pause, breathe, and speak directly to the behavior, you can avoid a lot of drama.

Timing: Close Enough, Not Reactive

Feedback should be delivered close to the event, but not in a way that’s reactive.

We don’t want to:

• Fire off feedback in the heat of the moment.
• Wait so long that the details are fuzzy and resentment has built up.

We also think about:

• Public vs. private: some feedback should be public (for example, shared positive recognition or safety issues), but most corrective feedback should be private.
• Written vs. spoken: sometimes we need a trail—in Teams, email, or another system—so expectations are clear and documented.
• Conversation vs. directive: we should be clear upfront about whether this is a two‑way conversation or a message that simply needs to be delivered.

Timely feedback respects the person, the moment, and the opportunity to improve.

Tone: Medicine or Poison?

Tone conveys intent and shapes how feedback is received. This is not about policing people’s voices; it’s about choosing delivery that can be heard.

Tone can be:

• A deposit when it’s calm, respectful, and constructive—even when the content is hard to hear.
• A withdrawal when it’s harsh, sarcastic, or condescending.

One helpful question: Are you delivering medicine or poison?

• Medicine heals, even if it doesn’t taste great.
• Poison harms and kills trust.

Before a feedback conversation, ask yourself: Will this help the person elevate on the team? Will it help them be more bought in and grow? Or will it distract them, shut them down, and cause withdrawal from the work?

We also want to shift our language from “difficult conversations” to “necessary conversations.” If we frame it as “difficult,” it will feel difficult. The difficulty is a feeling; the necessity is a fact.

Feedback Is Not One‑Size‑Fits‑All

Feedback is deeply personal, because every person’s emotional bank has different rules and different histories.

Some people will say, “I love direct feedback.” Many of those same people have never actually received truly direct feedback delivered well.

What they often dislike is direct feedback delivered as poison—hard truths delivered with harsh tone, bad timing, and low trust.

Our work as PMs is to:

• Know our people and their “bank policies.”
• Build trust so direct feedback can feel safe.
• Deliver feedback that is direct but wrapped in care.

We also need to ask ourselves some hard questions:

• Do my teams trust me to give them feedback?
• Are there people I work with whose feedback I don’t trust? Why?
• What would need to change in our emotional bank accounts to make feedback feel like investment instead of threat?

Feedback rooted in genuine value doesn’t just correct behavior; it reinforces confidence and capability.

Empowering Feedback: Seeing the Future in People

Affirming and constructive feedback are essential, but they’re not the end of the road. As PMs, part of our role is to empower people—to see possibilities for them and to invite them into those possibilities.

Empowering feedback might sound like:

• “You’ve consistently owned cross‑functional communication on this project. I see leadership potential in you. Here’s where I think you could step up next.”
• “You handled that stakeholder conflict with a lot of composure and clarity. I’d like to have you lead more of those conversations.”

We’re not just telling people they’re doing a good job. We’re telling them where we see them growing and how we’ll support that growth. That’s a huge deposit into the emotional bank account.

When You Do Everything “Right” and It Still Goes Wrong

Here’s the reality: you can do all the things right—tone, timing, truth, trust—and the other person may still not receive it well.

People are human.

When that happens, focus on what you can control:

• Were you intentional?
• Did you manage the three Ts (truth, tone, timing)?
• Were you direct and clear?
• Did you avoid long‑winded explanations that made things murkier?

Sometimes, people just aren’t ready to receive feedback. One practical question to ask before you start is: “Are you ready to receive feedback from me on this?”

If they’re not, they’re not primed for the conversation, and you may need to wait.

Feedback is like medicine. It’s not designed to be fun or cherry‑flavored; it’s designed to heal and help people move forward.

Your job, as a project manager and leader, is to give feedback that values people and invests in their growth. Even if they can’t take it in the moment, you can still be proud of showing up as a good leader.

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